DEAR HARRIETTE: People at my office are talking about me — in a bad way — and it’s just so upsetting. I work hard and have always been ready to go the extra mile if needed. Since we have had waves of cutbacks, I have found myself pitching in even more. I figure I should help so that we still have a company to work for. Know what I mean? My co-workers think I’m brown-nosing rather than working hard. They say I’m making it hard for them to do their jobs since I’m doing so much more. They have asked me to stop showing off. I tried to defend my case, explaining that the work needs to get done. Now they don’t even speak to me. It’s so awkward. And I don’t understand it. I’m working. Why can’t they see that? — Margie, Boston, Mass.

Dear Margie: Stop worrying about what your co-workers think. If what you’re saying is true, they are unwilling to put in extra effort, which is their prerogative. You can continue to do what’s best for you, which is to help in every way you can. During lean times, employers look at their staff to see who has a good attitude and who is willing to get the job done. Employers also like to see staff members who work well together, so you want to remain positive when you talk to your co-workers. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the pettiness of their gossip. Encourage them to help out whenever there’s a simple task they can do without much extra effort. You might be able to corral some of the naysayers into helping out. Even if you can’t, continue to do your best.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently made a huge mistake. I was offered a job at my company, and so was another colleague who works in a different state. We were kind of bragging about our new positions, and somehow the conversation turned to salaries. We both blurted out what we were offered for these new jobs, and that’s when I learned that I make less than this woman who has worked with the company for several years less time than me. I am so angry. Should I say something to human resources? — Kenneth, Dallas, Texas

Dear Kenneth: It was wrong for you to talk dollars and cents with your colleague, to be sure. I doubt that you end up with a pay increase if you bring your knowledge of this discrepancy to a human-resources representative. Before you get too upset, consider the situation carefully. Oddly, it’s fairly common for a newcomer to a business to start off with a higher salary than someone who has climbed up the ranks. This may not seem fair, but it happens a lot. This owes in part to the other person’s experience in the marketplace and what salary he or she has commanded over time.

One way you can begin to make yourself more valuable to your company is to take classes in your field at night and on weekends. Enroll in executive-training programs through which you gain greater credentials. And keep your company abreast of your achievements as you complete them. Prove your value through your work output and your extracurricular trainings.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am currently a 19-year-old student. Depression was a problem for about six years. During that time, I had help from family and my boyfriend, but at that point I really didn’t appreciate or trust them as I should have. I’ve already wasted some of their time, as well as mine, in the process. I can finally acknowledge that. I have my regrets, but there’s nothing I can do to turn back the clock. In the process, I’ve lost the trust of those close to me. Three of my relatives are reluctant to speak to me anymore and have stated, in their frustration, that I’m not worth the effort.

Recently, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me, owing to my procrastination and empty promises. Both sides refuse to give me any more chances, and I can understand their reasoning. I’ve given myself a fresh start by attending school and church and restarting the process of counseling again to help myself move forward. However, I’d still like to somehow repair these torn ends, as it really hurts thinking about it. I never truly intended to waste their time or hurt them. Is there anything I can do to mend the hurt and rekindle their trust? — Esther, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Esther: Your actions over time will be key to opening the door to healthy relationships with the people you love. Trust that you can become the person you want to be. Focus on your studies and on your mental health. Stay in close touch with your physician and with a mental-health counselor. Grow strong in your own skin. Begin to recognize specific things that help you to be happy from the inside out.

Reach out to your family to apologize for hurting them and ask for their forgiveness. Don’t expect too much, though. It will take time. Trust that you and they have enough to fill the space of time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m scheduled to go on vacation next month. It’s the first time I’m traveling outside the country in my life. I organized this trip a whole year ago and got it approved and all. I’m really excited. I have reminded my boss every few months, partly because I’m excited but also because I didn’t want it to slip her mind. Obviously, it’s way more important to me than it is to her. Know what I mean? So you can imagine how upset I was when my boss told me she doesn’t think I can go. She says that she needs me to work on a project that will be in full swing at that time. I reminded her of my vacation and that it’s all paid for — AND I requested the time off a whole year ago. She didn’t seem to care much. I don’t want to lose the money I put down. I want to take my trip. But I also can’t afford to jeopardize my job. What should I do? — Ellen, Jackson, Miss.

Dear Ellen: Tell your boss that you intend to do everything you can to make sure that the workflow goes smoothly. Ask her to give you tasks to complete now, so you can get a jump-start on the project. Offer to come in early and/or stay late to work on the project right now.

Let her know also that you cannot get your money back for your vacation and that you still want to go. Apologize for the inconvenience, and remind her that you will do all that you can beforehand to be of support. If you think you need to protect yourself even more, talk to your human-resources administrator so that you can document the situation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How many weeks ahead of the ceremony should you send out invites for a destination wedding? My daughter is getting married in the Caribbean, and her wedding planner advised the invitations be mailed the standard six weeks in advance. That just cannot be right! What is enough time? — Marsha, Raleigh, N.J.

Marsha: As soon as the basic details of the wedding are worked out, your daughter should send a save-the-date card with information about the location of the wedding and any known parameters, so those who want to book their tickets early, or plan their budgets, have ample time. Eight weeks is better than six, but the save-the-date is most important.

Cross-cultural romance reaches breaking point
By Harriette Cole
DEAR HARRIETTE: Our 24-year-old co-worker is in big trouble, and the whole office has taken sides. Four years ago, four men attempted to rob her and do worse. A man who was passing by risked his life to save her. Soon they were dating, and she fell in love with him and now they live together. After a short time, he told her he is Muslim. To please him, she began to do whatever would make him happy. She studied Islam and tried to be Muslim in some customs. They’re planning to get married. Recently, she spied a letter from the man’s mother that says she’s coming to America to see if this girl’s OK. If not, the mother will end the relationship under threat of disowning him. Some days later, she discovered another letter written to the man from Ghana, saying come home and marry the girl set aside for you since childhood. Now she’s whining that she’s not the only woman in his life, that she was ready to alienate her own family for him yet he is “betrothed” to another woman. She’s terribly mixed up and doesn’t know what to do. Half the office tells her to leave this “dangerous” relationship that will only get worse and worse. The others say stick it out, and wait and see. We are waiting with bated breath for your sage advice. — David, New York, N.Y.

David: Your friend has gone through a lot, investing all of her emotions in this relationship. It may work out in the end. His family may embrace her. Can she be sure? No, but nothing is absolutely certain in life.

Rather than feeling betrayed by this man, she needs to learn more about his culture. It’s common in traditional African cultures for marriages to be arranged, even when family members go abroad. Her friend is likely going through tremendous emotional upheaval as he attempts to wrestle away from his cultural values and traditions in hopes of marrying her. It would be best if both of them could figure out how to include their families in their union. Neither should so willingly walk away from the bedrock of their lives because, whether you like it or not, marriage includes family.

Given how she came to know this man, your friend individually could use counseling to sort through her emotions, shore up her confidence and gain clarity about her future choices. By the way, though her co-workers mean well, they (including you) should back out of this discussion. She has to make up her own mind. Your involvement only complicates an already complicated situation more.

DEAR HARRIETTE: On the train the other day, I witnessed an exchange between two young people that was embarrassing and appalling. They were speaking in common vernacular about oral sex and sexual activity, taunting each other in loud voices during the morning rush hour. Although they thought their banter was comical, it made everyone uncomfortable. I wanted to comment, but couldn’t figure out anything to say that wouldn’t just make it worse. — Annette, Bronx, N.Y.

Annette: You did the right thing by remaining silent. Some people get belligerent and even violent when called on their inappropriate behavior. To anyone who has behaved in such a manner, please know it is rude to discuss such personal matters in public. Such behavior reflects poorly on your character. The train is a public place, not an environment for loud, private conversations.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriend slurps her drinks when she uses a straw.  She somehow got the idea that this was a “cute” or “sassy” habit. She already thinks I criticize her too much, so I’m hesitant to bring it up. But I can’t take it anymore! She only does it at casual places like diners or fast-food restaurants, but it drives me nuts. What should I do? She’s 28, by the way. We’re not teenagers. — Brian, Portland, Ore.

Brian: You’ve probably already been told it’s the little things in a relationship that can make or break it. Bad manners can be a deal breaker for some couples. Before you get there, be creative. Research an etiquette class in your area and sign up for it. Invite her to go on this adventure with you, and make it a fun experience where you are also learning and not judging her behavior.
She may get mad at first, but having a professional discuss the finer points of good manners, including how to eat and drink without making noise, may inspire your girlfriend to refine her ways.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A few months ago, a friend introduced me to a nice man from out of town. She thought he would like to get to know me. He and I have tried to remain in contact over the phone and via e-mail, but I was not initially that interested in him. He has begun to leave me messages with snide comments about our lack of communication. I don’t care for him and I really want him to take the hint! I also do not want to be mean. It might be different if he was nearby, but it seems silly to make the effort to get to know someone who didn’t make sparks fly. What should I do? — Marisa, Chicago, Ill.

Marisa: To be kind is to be clear with him. You said you have tried to stay in contact but it hasn’t worked out, and now he is upset about that. Call him and apologize for not being more responsive since you both agreed to make the effort. Tell him you appreciate the fact that your mutual friend introduced you and that you realize you are not able to continue trying to develop this relationship. 
He will likely ask you why. Simply say you both live in different towns. Your life is very busy, and you don’t want to hurt his feelings anymore by not being available to him. If he persists, stand firm. Be pleasant, but don’t say you really like him and don’t say if he lived nearby things might be different. If he asks you directly whether you would like to date him under these or any other circumstances, say no. And stop returning his calls and e-mails. He will eventually accept reality.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I appreciate your advice to Rama in Cincinnati, who worried about keeping in touch with her mother and grandmother. For more than 15 years, my mother and I had a “date” for a phone call on Saturday mornings at 9:30 a.m. Using a 3-cents-per-minute phone card, we could talk for an hour for less than $2. No matter how much we talked during the week, that hour was reserved for her. I still think about her every Saturday at that time, even though she’s been gone for four years. Tell Rama not to give up. — Kathleen, New York, N.Y.

Dear Kathleen: Thank you for the reminder. It is a blessing for anyone who has parents or other family elders still alive and communicative. Don’t squander that blessing. Stay in touch with your family members, even if you move away. As you point out, it can be affordable to place a long-distance call once a week, too. Plus, e-mail works beautifully for any elders who are comfortable using the Internet. When they are, consider getting a video-cam attachment for each of you so that you can see each other as you talk. That will make you feel even closer.

This question reminds me of what happens in my family. I am the middle child of three girls. My mother and my younger sister and her family live in my hometown. I live in New York. My older sister lives in Los Angeles. All three of us talk to our mother regularly. My mother recently told one of her friends that my sister Susan who lives farthest away calls her several times a day to check in. Distance does not have to be a barrier in how close you remain to your family.